Abusers

Magic sometimes does seem to happen with people who appear intensely passionate . . . who send flowers or gifts, and shower with attention the new acquaintance. A very special feeling may be sparked, and it can appear to be love when someone wants to know everything about another's life, likes and dislikes, travel plans, past relationships and even family. Look carefully through any such seemingly perfect veil of illusion, no matter how beautifully it may be presented.

Intimidation the method, control the ultimate goal. Abusers desperately need to be seen as powerful, as people to be reckoned with, and will go to any length to achieve this imagery. Any person who is within an abuser's life sphere is seen as property, to be manipulated in any way that the abuser sees fit.

If possible, the abuser will convince his/her target that there is no way to ever get away or escape, that the abused is being watched at all times, and is in danger of punishment if any attempt to leave should be observed by the abuser. Any hint of independence on the part of a victim is perceived as a real threat, more reason to attack.

Verbal and/or physical abuse is often followed by contrite apologies accompanied by tearful promises never to do it again . . . blame for the attack may be acknowledged, and solicitous behavior can follow, sometimes for long periods of time. Along with this behavior, the abuser will usually attempt to downplay damage caused by the abuse, denying that certain incidents occurred at all.

Any effort toward arguments, discussions, or confrontation with an abuser, even during the remorseful stages following an attack, frequently is met with deflection, denial that anything may have occurred at all, or irritability, effectively ending any meaningful interaction regarding working toward a solution. Abusers shy away from therapists unless they feel that a rapport has been established between themselves and the therapist which will exclude and blame their victims. Often a structure of misrepresentations and outright lies is fed to a counselor, who may be for a time none the wiser. This plays perfectly into the abuser's ruse, and can delay identification of the abuser as a dangerous predator. Abusers can be verbally persuasive and extremely convincing, since they appear to actually believe their own lies, and may present outrageous untruths with striking sincerity.

It is common for victims of abuse to feel powerless and vulnerable. A tactic of abusers is to belittle their victims, ridiculing and criticizing until confidence is shattered and fear replaces any survival instinct. Physical attacks may begin if verbal abuse alone does not achieve the abuser's goal of complete domination.

Love is never criticism, meanness or unpleasantness. Love does not accompany any behavior which hurts another person or animal. Making excuses for an abuser accomplishes nothing and in fact may ensure that the next (sometimes unsuspecting) victim will be injured or even perhaps killed . . . by a conflicted, insecure, unbalanced person who cannot or will not seek qualified help.